Today, the doctor sat down on the couch where my son was sitting, held his hand and looked at him with utter compassion.
“You’re going to have to deal with this the rest of your life,” he said. “I’m sorry. We will help you learn how to manage.”
The words sounded like a curse. I wanted to jump out of my chair and scream, “No! He will not have this problem the rest of his life! Your words have power! Don’t speak this curse!”
All sorts of things were whirling around in my head. The power of life and death are in the tongue. What does that mean? Will saying it out loud make it true? God can heal him. But will He? Where is my faith? What am I supposed to think, do, believe?
God felt so far away.
He wasn’t, of course. But it felt that way.
I felt so alone. Because no one knows the answers to this. Except for God. And at that moment, the doctor’s voice was my only reality.
It doesn’t have to be that way, though. I create a different reality when I choose to follow Jesus. To immerse myself in His presence. I don’t always make that choice, though. Today, I mostly chose to follow several design blogs in Google Reader. I spent most of the day looking at Scandinavian furniture and modern art. It was escapism, only it didn’t help me to escape a thing.
If I don’t make a daily choice to follow Him, I won’t get to where I need to be. Reading the Gospel of John tonight, these verses spoke to me:
They said, “Rabbi” (which means Teacher), “where are you staying?”
“Come,” he replied, “and you will see.” John 1:38-39
I find it interesting that Jesus did not say to these two disciples, “The last house on the right before you get to the market. Why don’t you stop by later if you have the time?”
If I want to know where Jesus is, I have to follow him. Not later. Right now.
I want to see.
The world behind me,
the cross before me.
No turning back,
no turning back.
Photo credit: Naria Nadal